Thou shall be beat-eth by the clock-eth.

Time has no meaning. When thou has wagered on the over, it will fly. Tick, Tick, Tick, with very few points being scored. Many field-goals will be missed as you writhe in pain. When thou shall take the under however…Time Stands Still. Fireworks erupt. The clock stops running after each play. Many points will be scored including a 56 yard field goal, a TD runback, and a fumble recovery on the one. Still the clock will not move. The final score will be 49-46

Thou shall be anally probed, even though thou may not be gay-eth.

History tells us that over 95% of all overtime games are decided by a field goal. An ultra rare overtime touchdown will cost you a game this year, because your dog of 3.5 to 5.5 points will fail to cover. Thou shall be very nauseous that night.

To the idiots go the spoils.

Once again this year, the biggest no nothing pantywaist will win the office pool. Just for added humiliation, a girl may even take the pot. If the “Kyl Bill” becomes law, you may all have to go to prison too.

Thou shall be stoned by the blind man.

It will be in the fourth quarter. The winning touchdown shall be nullified by a non-existent holding penalty call, made by a blind Zebra. Instant replay will clearly show that there was no holding. Thou is fuck-ethed.

Thou shall not go for two-ith

The Coaches all have this stupid chart telling when they should or shouldn’t go for two. If it’s not the last 5 minutes of the 4th quarter THEY SHOULD NEVER GO FOR IT. What they don’t seem to understand is that the odds of making a conversion are very low. You will lose many a game in the fourth quarter, because the idiot coach “went for it” in the first quarter.

Thou shall be mugged by Rule-makers On Acid.

Getting 6 or more points with a big dog, you will lose a college game in overtime this year due to the completely silly, ridiculous, unfair, and incomprehensible overtime rules.

 P.S. Many a golden under will go over, because of same.

Thou shall be canned by a Tuna.

Bill Parcels was famous for this one. Some time this year, as the seconds tick down, and it seems that you cannot possible lose a game you appear to be about to win by a razor thin margin…you will watch in horror, as your team runs the opposite way on fourth down to take a safety. It’s a feeling of horror that cannot be described by mere words alone.

Thou shall stare at the screen in stunned disbelief-eth.

Hasn’t this happened to you before? Won’t it happen again? The final drive has been stopped. Your team is about to run the clock out. You reach for your victory cigar. Then, on the ensuing kickoff, these brain surgeons, who you bet your hard earned money on, will rough the kicker. The remote control will begin to feel very heavy in your hand, not unlike a rock, and you will find yourself seriously considering heaving it at your television screen.

Thou shall scream bloody murder-ith.

Once again this year, you will find yourself screaming uncontrollably in your own living room.  Your next door neighbor may even call to see if everything’s O.K. Just tell him you’re watching Football and mumble something about a 2 point conversion. If he’s a sports-fan, he’ll understand that the two point conversion can wreak havoc on your bankroll.

Thou shall be burnt to a crisp-ith, stuck with a fork-ith, hung out to dry-ith, and tarred and feather-ithed

Translation?  The ultimate humiliation will befall you again this season. You will lose a game to the spread this year, because of a missed extra point.

Brian's Blue Socks
 

The "Lovely Michelle" surfing the Net
The "Lovely Michelle" surfing the Net
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