I can’t help noticing while skipping around the dial to various football games jumping from city to city with my remote control… that the epidemic has now grown to unacceptable proportions. You know the problem I’m speaking of. Girls on the sides. Can somebody please tell me why we have chicks on the sidelines of football games doing color commentary? Is there a shortage of retired superstar athletes that I don’t know about? I mean what the heck? Do you see Dick Butkus running around doing tampon commercials for Christ sakes? Is Larry Csonka touting female odor protection? Isn’t OJ unemployed and down on his luck right now? He could show up wearing his Bruno Magli’s with a Swiss army knife hanging from his belt… and the coaches and players would still respect him more then some Girly Girl.

Jesus, can’t they just let us have our football games? Does everything have to be politically correct? I mean we already HAVE females on the sidelines. They call them cheerleaders and I have no problem with their presence at all.  Maybe they could make the skirts a little shorter or implement a new “no panties rule,” but essentially I’m very supportive of girls working the football games... as long as they don’t speak. Rah Rah’s are acceptable. So are tassels. I love tassels. Splits too…especially in high def. I’m not saying girls shouldn’t work sporting events. There are plenty of good jobs available and I’m all for that. Surely they need some help cooking the hot dogs? Maybe they could serve us beer in fishnet thigh highs? I could go for that. I think the Lingerie Bowl people are on to something.  

Football is and always has been a man’s game. It’s one of the final frontiers. What do girls really know about football anyway? They never played it in school, there’s never been a female football league worth a shit, and many an otherwise good man has found himself on the business end of divorce papers because of that little oblong ball. We’ve suffered for our football. How can these ladies posibly feel our pain? So if the girls really want to invade a man’s sport, let them get into boxing or ultimate fighting. Something along the lines of the Go Daddy commercial with lots of hair puling. I love a good cat fight as much as the next guy. But please, get these scary girls off the sidelines and back to the kitchen where they belong. After all… there are brownies to be baked.