As I watch my Sunday football on Direct TV each week, flying around the country with my remote control to games in every city, I can't help noticing that the epidemic has now grown to unacceptable proportions. You know the problem I’m speaking of... Girls on the sides. Can somebody please tell me why we have Chicks on the sidelines of football games doing color commentary? Is there a shortage of retired Superstar Athletes that I don’t know about? What the Hell? Do you see Dick Butkus doing tampon commercials? Isn’t O.J. unemployed right now? He could wear his Bruno Magli's and a Swiss army knife and the coaches and players would still respect him more than some Girly Girl. Can’t they just let us have our football games? Does everything have to be so politically correct? We already HAVE females on the sidelines. They call them cheerleaders and I have absolutely no problem with that. Maybe they could make the skirts a little shorter or implement a new “no panties rule,” but essentially I’m very supportive of girls working the football games as long as they don’t speak. Rah Rah-ing is acceptable. There are job openings I can live with. Surely they need some good help manning the hot dog stands. Maybe they could serve the beer in fishnet thigh highs? I could go for that.

Football is and always has been a man's game. It’s one of the final frontiers. What do girls really know about football anyway? They never played it in school. There’s never been a female football league worth a shit. Many an otherwise good man has found himself on the business end of divorce papers because of that little oblong ball. If the girls really want to invade a man’s sport, let them get into Boxing or Ultimate Fighting. Something along the lines of the “taste great, less filling"  commercial. I love a good cat fight as much as the next guy. But please, get the girls off the sidelines and back to the kitchen where they belong. After all, there are brownies to baked.